paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
