Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
