I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
