I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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