Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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