everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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