i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
