I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
