; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
