Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm at about main and main street
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
