Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
