I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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