Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
