woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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