he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
