You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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