i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize