I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
