So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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