I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
