There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize