Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
