the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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