I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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