i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
