Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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