My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
