It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
