How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
A bitchslap is in order.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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