Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
