so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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