the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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