I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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