Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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