Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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