there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
