And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
