Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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