a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
