So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
