my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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