Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
