We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
