The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
