Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
