She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
