Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize