I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
