I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
