recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
