there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
