im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
