she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
