There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
