Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
