I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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