she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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