New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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