Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize